Forgiveness means…

The definition of forgiveness is the act of excusing a mistake or offense. It means wiping the slate clean, never to have that transgression brought up again. I recently found myself on the receiving end of forgiveness (to be quite honest for some pretty serious offenses). Not long after that, it was brought to my attention that I have failed to forgive someone in my past who hurt my wife and a dear friend of mine quite deeply. From prior experience, I knew she was a lying manipulative wench, but hurting those I love was the last straw. This blog is about my thoughts on forgiveness.

The difference in my mind between me and the person I mentioned earlier is that I sought forgiveness with no expectation of receiving it. The other person to this day does not see that she has done any wrong. This causes me to raise the following two questions:

Is forgiveness only to be given if it is sought?

OR

Is it a gift to be given even if the person does not even realise they have committed an offense?

 To me it seems like it is the former but should be the latter. Forgiveness is for the benefit of the giver not the receiver. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

The Perfect Storm

 Why is it that you are not allowed to say anything that may be percieved as being negative without hearing “SL is what you make it,” at least 3 times. “Great insight, tell me something I do not know?” I am at a place right now where I do not feel like spending a  lot of time in SL. I mentioned this to someone this morning in these exact words. “SL is boring.”  The retort: “SL is what you make it.” Not once, but twice I was told this. As if it is not acceptable for anyone to be bored with SL.

First of all, I see my boredom with SL as a good thing. If SL is boring to me then I waste less time there. I have always struggled with balancing my RL and SL. That is not an issue for me right now, so to me it is a good thing that SL is boring.

 ”There is plenty to do in SL, you have to find things to do.”  Why would I want to “find” things to do in Sl when I can “find” more meaningful things to do in RL?  To me, right now I am in the perfect storm.  I am not struggling to find balance between RL and SL.

Furthermore, there are only 2 reasons I log into SL, and they know who they are.  I am just in a place right now where I am not going to log on and wait around for them to log on. If I see one of them online, I will log in and say hi, but I am not going to hang out in SL all day waiting for them either. If I get a chance I will chat with my other friends while I am there, but I am not going to hang out just for the sake of hanging out. I hope no one is offended by this blog but it is my blog and this is how I feel right now.

True Friendship

To my darling wife Yar,

I did not write this but so many things are so true in it, I just had to share it with you!

1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person  who made you sad like a spider monkey  jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you’re scared, we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have….

8. When you fall, I’ll pick you up and dust you off–After I laugh my rear off!!

9. This is my oath….I pledge it to the end.

‘Why?’ you may ask; — because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.

JC & Nic; Juju & Kenny

JC & Nic/ Kenny & Juju

Every now and then you come across people or couples that you get along with and can be friends with. If you are lucky, you meet a couple who you instantly become very close to and could be your exact twins. Yar and me were fortunate enough to have found such friends. I have been meaning to write about these two for a long time. From the moment these two came into my SL, I have felt we were kindred spirits. JC and Nic’s relationship mirrors my relationship with Yar. It is no wonder we quickly became  friends. From the moment I met them, I was amazed by their bond in both SL and RL. ALthough every relationship has its peaks and valleys they have come through them with their bond and their love stronger than ever.  Perhaps JC and Nic are the children Yar and I never wanted. I am only teasing. We both love you very much! MUUUAHH!!!

Kenny and Juju

My darling, loving sisters: You came into my SL and it has never been the same. I adore watching you two interact. I especially love the way Kenny drags a sleeping Juju around by the leash simply because she wants to be with her even when she is asleep. That is true love! I love to watch you tuck Juju into bed at night, dressing her in her PJ’s and tucking her in so she is as snug as a bug in a rug. Your love for one another makes those around you want to love each other more.

Words fail to express how grateful I am to have these two lovely couples in my second life.

A new very Dear Friend

I have to apologize for not blogging and not being online the past few days. RL has kept me extremely busy this week from the moment I get up until I get to go to bed. I also have not felt well and have been going to bed early. To the person that I recently became close to and sent me an offline IM, this post is for you.  I will be back on soon and I miss you too very much. We will definitely need to chat when I get back.

A Nice Surprise

There are rare occassions when the SL stars align and I get to have a very relaxing and peaceful and worryfree Sl experience. Last night was one of those nights. Sometimes it is nice to have a friend who does not pressure you in any way. There are no expectations, no strings, and you feel like you can say anything to them and vice versa. This friend can and has told me to buzz off and I could never be offended. With this person you feel free to be yourself around them no matter what. And if the stars align appropriately on a few rare occassions, you get to have a nice quiet evening with them. Last night was one of those occassions. I do not need to mention that person’s name here because I have blogged about her before and this treasure knows who she is.

Unfortuantely, it is rare that I actually get to see her, and even rarer that she asks to come visit me. I have kind of been a homebody as of late. I do not really wish to get out and explore Sl much, so I guess my “punishment” of being resetricted to our home sim right now really is not a punishment at all. (Yeah I know…big suprise Rayn got into trouble…AGAIN!!! Shush that is not what this post is about. ) Why would you need to explore, if you have wonderful friends like mine who come and visit.

At any rate, I was suppose to spend time with my wife last night but things came up and she didn’t make it, and do to the restriction, I could not go to her. This left open the opportunity to spend some nice quiet time with one of my dearest friends. Later in the evening some of her sisters (and again some of my dearest friends in SL) tp’d in and we had an enjoyable time together. But the time I treasured the most was that one on one time we spent just cuddling and talking. We talked about some deep stuff and some superficial stuff. Mostly, I think I had just been craving that one on one time with her for a long time and did not even know it.

To my friend, my treasure: I love you and am so happy to have you as my friend. Do not ever change! And what we talked about last night…I am so glad too!!!

All About Me

“All about me” sounds self-centered but this is my blog so in a way I guess you would expect it to be about me.  That is somewhat of an accurate description except that it has really been about Rayn Halfpint and her second life experience. I have kept real life separate for good reasons. This blog will be unique in that is more about the person behind the keyboard not Rayn.

A lot of people come to SL to escape RL or to explore a new world and do things they cannot do RL.  When I first started out in SL my reason was the latter. In fact I have been blessed in RL and I realize that. At times I have taken that for granted and wasted far too much time in SL. Since I returned to SL I believe I have balanced RL and SL much better. 

There are three reasons I come to SL now: Mistress, my SL family and Yar.   I have limited my online time to the times in which I know they will be online, but I am not online as much as they are.  As much as I would enjoy spending all day and all night with them it is just not realistic and my RL is more important.

This brings me to my next point. I have been called selfish for wanting to spend time with my wife. Huh? In what world does that even make sense? If I was taking all of her time then yes that would be selfish. The truth is I have not seen her in days although I have logged in just about every day. When I do see her it is usually for 30 minutes max and there are always other people around. Tell me how that is selfish? Does it bother me when people call me selfish for wanting to spend time with my wife especially when they happen to spend more time with my wife than I do? Yes it does.  My time in SL takes me away from my RL plain and simple. So when I do log on time is precious. I am sacrificing time with my RL family to be with those that I love in SL.  For those of you who spend all day on SL, good for you. I am glad you can balance your RL and your SL in a way that allows you to do that, but don’t freaking call me selfish because when I log on to SL I want to spend the little time I have with the ones I love! Most importantly don’t call me selfish because I want..NO, I DESERVE more than 30 minutes with my wife every few days!!!

A New Mistress and a Trial (Part 2)

Only a few days into my pre-trial trial, I decided that I wanted this to be an actual trial. From what I had seen of Miss Tania and her family she really is a domme who cares. She was not out trying to collect girls, and she is not one to lock and leave them. She actually cares about her girls and I could tell she truly loves them. There are some dommes that demand respect and there are those that through their actions make you want to respect them, submit to them, and obey them. Miss Tania is one of those. So while I went into the trial half-heartedly, my attitude toward submitting to Miss Tania quickly changed.

I was on trial for 3 weeks. During my trial, I made mistakes. I let a playful teasing with one of my sisters go too far. I also left the sim, on accident actually (I double-clicked a LM someone gave me). Miss Tania probably would not have cared since it was an accident, but instead of promptly coming back, I bought some latex. A little stooge told on me (Yar), and I expected the trial to end there. Instead of punishing me or ending the trial, Miss Tania made me want to commit to her even more.

During the three weeks I was on trial, I learned a lot about Miss Tania and about her family. On October 2, Miss Tania became my Mistress and I could not have been happier. I submitted to her fully and completely. Peaceful bliss lasted a whole 24 hours before it was ruined by drama. I am not going to go into that here because quite frankly it would only contribute to more drama and while I’d like to say I am over it, I am not. Therefore, I am not going to talk about it, other than to say it truly was the first test of my commitment to Mistress. Due to the circumstances I could not have been more upset and angry about anything else in SL. Let’s just say I will not allow myself to be bullied or manipulated. Been there. Done that. I left that in Junior High where it belongs. At any rate, I did not feel like I had done anything wrong. Mistress pointed out a few things that I could have done differently and I agree. I am also going to obey Mistress and do what I was told, because I love her. She does not need to fully grasp how badly that person hurt me. I trust my Mistress fully and completely and she knows what is best for me.

Through my trial I learned a lot about myself. Through the direction of Mistress I examined myself and my own motives for being a brat. I learned that being bratty was my defense mechanism. I use it to keep people at arms length. It is my way of playing without actually becoming emotionally attached to someone. If someone can put up with my brattiness, and they are worthy, I may let down my wall a bit and let them see the real me. If on the other hand, someone does not want to be around me, because of my brattiness so be it. I really did not care. As far as I was concerned it was their loss. Yes, my defense mechanism worked perfectly, until Mistress came along and made me examine myself. I am thankful for the trial and the time to examine myself. I owe Mistress a debt of a gratitude. I love you Mistress!

A New Mistress and a Trial (Part 1)

Sorry again for the delay in writing, RL  has been extremely hectic, and to answer a good friend’s question of why I know longer blog…to be quite frank I have not felt like writing. I did not want this blog  to become a cry fest and things in my SL have not been going all that great, save one. I returned to SL in August, expecting everything to be as it was before I left. Kind of silly to think that things would not have changed in my relationship with Yar, after all we were chatting frequently in IM. At first I thought it was something Yar was going through RL so I did not press the issue. I didn’t want to make drama if there didn’t need to be and after all she was my wife…she would come to me if she had problem right? RIGHT???

So I went about my SL, ignoring the fact that Yar didn’t really seem to want to play, not with just me but anybody. I was certain it stemmed from something in the past that predated my return to SL so I again did not think much about it. I also thought that maybe she was expecting me to leave again and was just checking to see if I was going to stick around before she got use to having me around again. Perfectly understandable.

After some time, and I am not sure why, Yar decides we are going to do the subbie challenge thing. You answer questions about your limits and likes and whatnot and then your “Mistress” answers those same questions. You can’t move forward until your Mistress gets them all right. It is kind of like a compatibility test for BDSM.  Based on your answers a Teddy takes you around to stations where your likes are realized. It was a good attempt by Yar to play, but to be honest I didn’t really enjoy it much. When we were done, Yar offered to collar me again. I said that I loved her but I preferred to be her wife rather than her subbie.  I think she was either hurt or relieved, not really sure which since we do not talk about our feelings any more in order to avoid “drama.”

More time goes on and suddenly, or what was sudden to me anyway, Yar tells me that she thinks I need an owner. Having come back with new limits like no sex and no nudity, I am thinking, “Yeah right. Good luck finding a domme who wants a sub who can’t really play.”  She then tells me that her “other” Mistress, (I know 2 owners WTF, very confusing. I’ll let Yar explain that one), Tania would be willing to let me sub to her on a trial basis. In my mind I was thinking more along the lines of a pre-trial trial. I may have even said that to her. My mentality was “Yeah ok Hun, I’ll do whatever makes you happy.” I really had no expectations nor did I really think I would actually submit to this person I hardly knew. I also got the feeling that Yar sensed my boredom and wanted to get me out of her hair, but we will talk more on that subject later.

Straight out of the shoot Tania and her family made me feel wanted. They made me feel like I was part of the family the second I agreed to a pre-trial trial. Although I felt this sense of belonging, I still did not expect it to last. If you have kept up with my blog, I have had several owners, and none of them have lasted longer than a few months. None of them ended in drama, they just got involved with other things in SL like scripting or RL interfered. At any rate, I was happy as a lark to be tied up and secure. I was restricted to Miss Tania’s sim and had a few rules like returning to my display if we had visitors. I was not bored because Miss Tania had a large family and someone was always popping in and out. As long as I was able to IM my wife and see my wife when she had time for me, I was fine being tied up. In fact I preferred it.

I am going to pause here and write about my trial in the next blog because I do not want to make this blog too long and my real trial actually came after I was officially collared.

Top 5 things I love about Yar:

I apologize for my long delay in writing. I will try to keep my blog updated more reguraly, but today I am overflowing with love for Yar and I just have to get it out of my system. This blog and particularly this post is dedicated to Yar, my Love, my Hope, my Strength, my Joy, my Rock and the love of my SL!

5. Vehement need to play
Yar is always in a playful mood and her playmates are never disappointed.  I cannot count the number of times I have heard someone say “Here comes Yar. Now we can have fun!” Anyone who knows Yar knows that you will not have a bad time if she decides to play with you. She pours her heart and soul into making sure whomever she is with is having a good time. More importantly, she will not do things to you that she herself does not like. 

4. Incessant patience
From day one I met Yar, she has pushed my limits (in a good way).  She has been patient with me every step of the way. Even when I have been a complete jerk, she has waited out the storm of my temper to get a better understanding of the underlying problem. Then she would take the lead in reconciling our differences.  I am certain I have given her more than enough reasons to leave (my leaving SL being a big one), yet she still remains my wife and I am honored and undeserving of such love and patience.

3. Perpetual Joy
It is clear to anyone who knows Yar knows why her title is “Yasmin’s Joy.” She must be a middle child because she is certainly a peacemaker. She only wants to see everyone get along and have a good time. I can think of very few times that she has spoken badly of someone and they were more than deserving in those cases.  At times I have wanted her to stand up for herself and let the person who has offended her know that they have offended her. Unless another family member is affected Yar pretty much keeps her pet peeves to herself. She does not have the capacity to hate. She puts others before herself and brings great joy to everyone who knows her.

2. Never-ending loyalty
Once you have been added to her friends list, you are there forever unless you do something incredibly stupid to someone she loves. If a friend is in distress or needs help Yar is there first one called because she is without fail always there for her friends and family, which brings us to the number one reason I love Yar…

1. Intense profound love
I saved the best for last.  There are no words worthy of describing yar’s love for others, but I will try. On our wedding day my vow was the following:

You know I am not an eloquent writer. Every time I tried to write these vows, it felt like a futile effort…
I couldn’t come up with the right words to describe how I feel about you. There are no words that do justice to how I feel about  you and to what we have together. You are peace when I am troubled. You are my light when I have lost my way. You are warmth when I am cold and afraid. When we are together you bring out strengths in me I never knew I had. Together we can accomplish anything. Even caging Yasmin (Sorry GrandMistress). I smile when I think back to how we first met and the trials we have been though since then. We have come a long way since that day. It seems like only yesterday you were that little girl in the cage room at Stonehaven who just happened to get pushed into a cage by some brat. I don’t recall who.
Anyway, It feels strange to me to be telling you these things in front of all of these people..right here…right now. I am not good at expressing my feelings and  I should have told you how I felt long ago. What I am trying to say is I am thankful that you gave me a second chance at friendship. And more importantly a chance at love. We wouldn’t be standing here now if you weren’t who you are. Your patience and forgiveness and the many other qualites you posses have brought us here today. Without you, I’d still be lost, cold and afraid. Thank you for being you.  I love you and I pledge to always show you the same patience, persistence and love you have shown me, forever and ever.

These words remain my solemn vow to you Love. I would never want to change a thing. I love you, Yar!