Total Power Exchange (Part 3)

As promised, this post will be about my areas of struggle and obstacles in my path toward TPE. Please go back and read previous posts on Mistress Tania Owatatsumi as it will help in understanding this one.

 Selfishness is at the root of all my struggles. I am defining selfishness in this context as not wanting to give up control of one or more areas of my SL, and not putting Mistress’ wants, needs, desires, in front of my own. Selfishness is revealed when my goals do not align with Mistress’ goals. This is true right now in the following areas: 

1) Jealousy – I was the last person in my family to be collared so it does not bother me to not get “play time” with Mistress because she is giving playtime to one my sisters. I feel they deserve attention over me any day. I do however have an issue with jealousy if Mistress is in a scene with someone outside of the family and is (in my mind) totally ignoring my sisters and me. Believe it or not, it bothers me more that she is not playing with them than it is that she is not playing with me. I enjoy cuddle time (one-on-one time) more than playtime, but playtime is good too. In the context of TPE, whatever makes my Mistress happy should make me happy. I am working on this.

2) My mouth – people have said I should be gagged all the time. They are probably right but that would not be me submitting to my Mistress. Truly, if I were submitted completely, Mistress would not need a gag or restraints.

3) My own selfish wants – As I stated in #1 I like playtime and cuddletime and if I am not getting it from my Mistress I will look for it elsewhere.  Mistress does not disallow this yet, but in a TPE relationship, I don’t see how playing with others would fit.

4) Consistency – I need consistency. If I do not have consistency, I tend to stretch/bend boundaries. A perfect example of this is online times. Mistress and I agreed to online times for me. Granted there is always and adjustment period to see what works, instead of discussing this with Mistress, I have bent and stretched those times.

I am sure there are more but those are the top 4 struggles besides RL.

I would be happy to listen to any suggestions, comments, criticisms on my posts about TPE. I will write more about it as I learn more.


About raynhalfpint

Webster's defines addiction as "surrendering oneself to something obsessively or habitually."
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