Turn of Events…

*warning this is a rant*

Why is it that the harder you try to have a relationship with difficult members of the family, the more frustrated you become. I know all families have their black sheep but I am beginning to think my entire family is just odd, or maybe I am the odd one for wanting to have a relationship with them. Either way this past week has been one of the  most difficult of my life. A year ago tomorrow someone very important to me died. It was actually at this time I realized I could not depend on my family members for any kind of emotional support. Death of a loved one certainly does not bring out the best in people. Yes, I realize we were all grieving, but do you have to take that as an opportunity to flaunt your dislike for certain family members? Although, I was not directly impacted by other people’s immaturity, I was hurt to see others treat each other badly. I decided at that point I needed to step back and reassess the situation.

In the past year, I have removed myself completely from the extended family. It has become apparent over this past week I have not removed myself far enough. There really is only one person in my family that has always been there for me no matter what, and she died last year.

Where does this leave me? dazed and confused. I know I should love others where they are, not where I want them to be but right now it really feels impossible. What can I do? Nothing, except pray for them. Pray for them to wake up some day from their insanity because until then I cannot see me having a relationship with any of them at all.

Advertisement

More on RL

Since I know at least a couple of people are still reading this blog, I thought I would post an update. My last post was not that long ago so there is not much new to add. We are currently looking to join a camping club not too far from where we live. If we do, we will likely be camping nearly every weekend  until it starts getting cold again.  Obviously, our plans for the upcoming holiday involves camping and maybe a talent show contest. Most importantly lots of swimming.

On to a more serious topic…I was recently asked why I did not feel serving God was compatible with SL or BDSM. First to address SL, it is not that I feel SL is evil, but it certainly can be a huge waste of time. I do not feel socializing via whatever means is wrong but for me it was a matter of balancing SL and RL. I failed miserably. I tired many times to make it work, to try to restrict my online time. It just never worked. In addition to giving up SL, I have pretty much quit watching TV as well. There are some good programs but for the most part it just numbs the brain. I don’t want to have a numb brain. I want to experience life…real life to it’s fullest.

The next topic is BDSM and God. I have to be 100% honest here. I am still working through this in my own mind. This paragraph as it is written now may or may not make sense or still be true one month from now so bear with me if I flip now and flop later.  I believe you are either of the world or a servant of God. There is no luke warm.  You cannot love the things of the world AND be separated out to serve God. For me I cannot reconcile serving someone of this earth AND serving God. It cannot be done. Even my husband and child must come after service to God. I am not saying that is always true of me because to be quite honest I fail most of the time. I am human. I can only be restored through the grace of God. The only thing that can erase what I have done is the blood of Jesus Christ. I hope I do not sound preachy or self-righteous because believe me when I say, I am the last one who would tell anyone else what they should or should not do. I am just trying to explain what I believe and why. I will end this with what God says in Mathew 6 verse 24. It is actually talking about serving God or money but it can be applied to other relationships as well. “No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”

Where you spend your time and your money is where your heart lies.

Update on RL

 In case anyone is still following this blog, I thought I should write an update. Time has flown since I last posted anything here. A lot of things have changed in a short period of time and I am far happier than I even thought possible. I am enjoying spending time with my family and look forward to spending even more time with them. We recently made a large purchase that will help us get away from the rest of the world and just spend time together (at least on weekends). You guessed it. We bought a motor home. We are super excited about taking it out and I will post more about our adventures later.

School is out now…well has been for a few weeks, and my son had his piano recital. He did awesome as I knew he would. (Yes, I am going to brag). He played Rondo Alla Turca by Mozart.  To give you some idea of the difficulty level of this piece, the instructor places the students in order in the recital based upon the difficulty of the pieces they are playing.  He had three adults in front of him and one behind him. I doubt there were any parents prouder than me.

Last but not least, I have been growing spiritually but do not feel I have seen the spiritual growth that I have desired. There is still something holding me back. I am not sure what it is, but when I figure it out I am certain I will blog about it.

Thanks for reading my blog. Hopefully, I will have more to post soon! XOXOXOXO

Enter as strangers, leave as friends.

For all that my true friends have given me I felt it only proper to say thank you. You are so much more than “just SL friends.”

 DZ and Alex – I met you two when we were all noobs at the old Stonehaven and my SL was never the same after. DZ: my little gender-confused little buddy *wink.* Alex: my friend and anal retentive boss. I still can’t believe you FIRED me! Anyway, you both proved what true friendship is all about. I fear I failed to be as good of a friend to you two as you were to me. I aspire to be the kind of friend you are! Thank you so much for your friendship and 100% honesty at all times even when the truth was painful to hear. I will never forget you and I do hope you keep in touch. You both have my email address. XOXOXO

 Kendra/Juju – My dear sisters. I love you more than words can say. I honestly feel like you are my sisters and I hope it always remains that way. I miss you more than words can say. Juju: you are an honest sensitive soul and I love that about you even when we fought like..well..sisters. Kenny: I can’t even begin to tell you how much you mean to me. For reasons unknown to me you put yourself out there 100% and never held back even when I was a pain in the backside. I wish my RL sisters and me were as close as I feel you two are to me. I love you, forever My Sisters!

 Dei/Aimee/Becca – although I did not have the opportunity to get to know you guys better due to dreaded TZs, from what I do know of you, you are each unique and special and I know why Tania chose you. Dei, you are a puzzle that I loved trying to figure out. In the beginning I feared you would never let your wall down enough for me to get to know you, but you did. Thank you so much for trusting me and letting me get to know you better. The pleasure truly was mine. I love your playful spirit. And as much as it annoys you: I LOVE YOU DEI!!!

 Shae/Ang –  what can I say about the two best friends anyone could ever ask for. I will never forget the time in your garden, it was that day that our friendship was sealed. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried. I know you two will keep in touch. You have been faithful friends always. I hope I can live up to your standard of friendship. You two truly are the best.

 Alexx – you sexy thing.  What can I say? I wish we had more time to get to know each other but alas it was not meant to be. You are one of the most stubborn yet intuitive, frustrating yet lovable, cunning and clever people I know. I will miss you dearly. I appreciate so much how you knew me from the beginning even before I kidnapped you. You listened when I didn’t think anyone could hear me. Thank you Alexx..er…Your Grace! I do wish you the best!

 Dio/Jen – You are two of my most loyal friends. Why I became so close to you, I will never truly understand. You guys are just wonderful and you make people want to be with you because you are always having fun.  Most importantly, you two bring peace because you live above the drama of SL.

 Joye – My RL friend turned SL friend. What can I say, we have plenty of years of friendship ahead of us. I wish we lived closer but alas. Sigh. We still have MSN. Just think I will have more time for MSN IM and Facebook now. Wink. See you there!

 JC/Nic – I cannot believe how much our friendship evolved and changed. I love your loyalty to one another. I love even more the way you stand up for what you think is right. Cling to each other tightly and never let go. I love you both very much. JC spank Nic daily for me, please! MUUUAHHHH!!!!

Tania/Yar/Yasmin – There really is nothing more that I can say than has already been said. I think  you all know what you mean to me. You have each touched my life in a special and different way. The things I have learned through my relationship with you, I will take into my real life (both the good and the bad).  I know that I will not take any friendships or relationships for granted ever again. Yar,  the things I have learned from my relationship with you, I will apply to my RL relationship with my spouse. Yasmin, the things I have learned from you I will apply to my RL family members who sometimes drive me nuts. 😉 Tania – you and I have had many discussions about submission and loyalty and complete and total power exchange.  I certainly would never put you on the same level as God but you taught me the true meaning of submission. Most importantly, you taught me about forgiveness and restoration.  I think you know why I cannot be there and here. It may be hard to accept, but know this, as much as you may hate the choice I have made, as much as it may hurt, deep down you know it is what is best for me and because you love me you want what is best for me. I honestly wish that what was best wasn’t always so painful or hard to accept.  Just know that I love you and will always hold you dear to my heart. No chance of me forgetting you, even if you don’t stay in touch. I love you, Your Softness!

***Good friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you always know they are there.***

Farewell to SL but not to My Friends

Often times while traveling down this road we call life, you come across an intersection. You have to decide whether or not to turn and take a different path or continue down the same path knowing where it leads.  As most of you who are close to me know, I have struggled with continuing in the same direction (SL) for quite some time.  In spite of the wonderful people who have become dear to my heart, I never belonged in SL. I don’t mean “never belonged” as in never fit in, because I did find a home there…more than once with people who I think loved me and who I will always consider family. I will forever hold each one of you near to my heart. Sorry, I cannot mention every name here, but if you were on my friends list, just know it was truly my privilege to have known you.

I have decided to leave SL for strictly RL reasons. Contrary to what you may think, I did not leave SL because I was unhappy. I left SL because it does not fit in with who I am and who I aspire to be. I cannot express how difficult it is for me to leave and please understand I am not trying to hurt anyone although I am sure some will feel that way. I have to do what is best for my RL.

 I have quit SL before and mistakenly came back thinking all would be the same as it was before. I was wrong. As I eluded earlier, SL is not my home and impacted my RL negatively. Therefore, to ensure there is no chance of changing my mind and coming back again, I have cancelled my SL account. I know that some of you will be mad that I did not say good-bye yet again but you should know I really suck with good-byes so please forgive me. If I had said good-bye I never would have been able to log off. I do hope you understand and will forgive me. More importantly I do hope you all keep in touch. If you want my email address just leave a comment and I will send it to you.

 Tania – You were the best thing that ever happened to me in SL and truly hope you do not take my leaving as any type of failure on your part. I have said it before and I will say it again, you are the best Mistress any girl could ask for. You have taught me so much about submission and loyalty, and honesty, and family. As much as you will likely hate to hear it you are responsible for making me want to be a better person. You set me on this path to total submission even though the results are probably not what you expected. You helped me figure out who I am and who I want to be. I will always love you, My Mistress! I hope that everytime you are missing me, you ask a certain someone to give you a kiss on the nose and a great big hug. I know I will think of you often and will do the same.  Muuuahhh!!!!!

 Yar – My dear, sweet wife. I cannot begin to express how sorry I am for the way things turned out between us. I have never fully taken responsibility for everything, but I am now. Our relationship ended because of my selfishness alone. I didn’t try hard enough and I wanted everything my way.  Frankly, I screwed up! You did nothing wrong. I do take comfort in knowing you will be happy (hopefully not because of me leaving *wink*) because you are surrounded by a lot of people who care for you deeply. You must always remember this when RL gets hard, you ARE loved! You have found the home and the family that you have always deserved and from the bottom of my heart I am happy for you. If I could wrap my arms around you and hold you tight right now I would. Love Always, Rayn.

 Yasmin – I have known you since nearly the beginning of my SL and you had your devilish little fingers in nearly every part of it whether you knew it or not. Since the time I submitted to Fawn through my marriage with Yar, you were always a part of my SL and as much as I admittedly tried to escape your grip and keep you at arms length, I never could. You are a magnet that draws people to you. Yes, we butted heads often times but deep down I think we both knew there was always a sisterly love there. Please always look out for my wife and Mistress as I know you already do. *Spanks and Kisses*

Total Power Exchange (Part 3)

As promised, this post will be about my areas of struggle and obstacles in my path toward TPE. Please go back and read previous posts on Mistress Tania Owatatsumi as it will help in understanding this one.

 Selfishness is at the root of all my struggles. I am defining selfishness in this context as not wanting to give up control of one or more areas of my SL, and not putting Mistress’ wants, needs, desires, in front of my own. Selfishness is revealed when my goals do not align with Mistress’ goals. This is true right now in the following areas: 

1) Jealousy – I was the last person in my family to be collared so it does not bother me to not get “play time” with Mistress because she is giving playtime to one my sisters. I feel they deserve attention over me any day. I do however have an issue with jealousy if Mistress is in a scene with someone outside of the family and is (in my mind) totally ignoring my sisters and me. Believe it or not, it bothers me more that she is not playing with them than it is that she is not playing with me. I enjoy cuddle time (one-on-one time) more than playtime, but playtime is good too. In the context of TPE, whatever makes my Mistress happy should make me happy. I am working on this.

2) My mouth – people have said I should be gagged all the time. They are probably right but that would not be me submitting to my Mistress. Truly, if I were submitted completely, Mistress would not need a gag or restraints.

3) My own selfish wants – As I stated in #1 I like playtime and cuddletime and if I am not getting it from my Mistress I will look for it elsewhere.  Mistress does not disallow this yet, but in a TPE relationship, I don’t see how playing with others would fit.

4) Consistency – I need consistency. If I do not have consistency, I tend to stretch/bend boundaries. A perfect example of this is online times. Mistress and I agreed to online times for me. Granted there is always and adjustment period to see what works, instead of discussing this with Mistress, I have bent and stretched those times.

I am sure there are more but those are the top 4 struggles besides RL.

I would be happy to listen to any suggestions, comments, criticisms on my posts about TPE. I will write more about it as I learn more.

Total Power Exchange (Part 2)

Warning: Do not jump into this post without the benefit of reading all other posts on my Mistress Tania Owatatsumi.

Ideally, in a perfect world, I could just say “I submit” and totally be there mind and body. Unfortunately, it is not that easy. This post will be about my areas of selfishness that are obstacles to my path to TPE. But first I need to clear up some misconceptions.

1) As I stated in my previous post, there are many degrees of submission.  In order to obtain some degree of submission, you have to give up one’s own wants/needs for that of the dominant . Just like a marriage there is give and take. One common misconception is that the submissive is the one giving up everything for the dominant. That is far from the truth.  It takes a very special domme to take on complete and total care and control of the submissive.

2) TPE is no different than an ordinary D/s relationship. That could not be farther from the truth. It is true that to submit you are giving up some level of control to your dominant, but TPE requires a desire and a conscious effort of both parties to go down that path, and more importantly a lot of communication on the subject. A simple misunderstanding could spoil it for everyone. A lot of people submit for attention from the dominant. In TPE, the submissive lives to please the dominant in every way possible. This is totally different than a mindless slave which brings us to number 3.

3) TPE = mindless slave. I do not know any dominants (although I am certain they exist) that want a mindless slave. If someone is mindless then they are not really in  a TPE relationship because TPE is a mindset.

4) By allowing someone else to control every aspect of your SL including log in times, are they not controlling your RL to? The TPE mindset certainly spills over into RL in this aspect. I suspect the deeper into TPE we go the more I will learn about how this will affect my RL.

 I am not an expert on TPE by any stretch of the imagination.  I look forward to feedback here and in-world on this subject. I am only speaking of how I view TPE at this point in time. I am sure my point of view will change as I learn. I can only speak  about where I am currently. I do not have a lot of experience in this area and it is all new to me and I am learning.

Looks like I am going to have to make a part 3 to this as this post as I have rambled on and this post is already getting long and I have not even begun to talk about my areas of greatest struggle yet.

Thank you for keeping up with my blog and I will see you in-world!

Total Power Exchange (Part 1)

In my previous post, I hinted a little about Total Power Exchange (TPE). I have also written in a previous post that Mistress and I have talked about TPE and have decided to slowly head in that direction.  Friends have talked to me about TPE in the past and I literally thought they were nuts to want to give up that kind of control even in SL. For the purpose of this discussion, I will be talking about TPE in SL understanding that there is a potential for it to bleed into RL, afterall it is a state of mind. I am not good at compartmentalizing my SL feelings from my RL feelings. If my feelings are hurt in SL, am I not hurt RL? I probably get over things that happen in SL more quickly than I would if the same thing happened RL, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about my journey toward TPE with my SL Mistress.

If you have not read my previous posts about my Mistress, go back and read them first. Jumping into this post without the sake of background information will make it harder to understand.

I first heard about TPE a couple of years ago when my SL wife was talking about going down that path with her Mistress. This post is not about them or how that worked out but I bring it up to say this: I thought my wife was literally insane when she said she was going to ask her Mistress for that type of control. I did not understand it at all, partially I think because I was not in a relationship with a “present” Mistress at that time (Fawn was gone to RL) and I was still fairly new to BDSM and its terminology. I did not have a clue back then what it meant to truly submit either. I was a very self-centered brat (still am in a lot of ways) and the only person I really aimed to please was myself.

Fast forward to my present SL and Mistress Tania Owatatsumi.  I cannot describe what it is about Mistress that makes me want to not only serve her but totally submit to her. She has had too many girls to count throw themselves at her feet I am sure. For me, the desire to submit is totally there, but I am still lacking in ability at present time to give up all of my freedom.  That is why I have said TPE is a journey not a s destination. For me, I could never say nor do I think my Mistress would want me to say, “OK, I am totally submitted. Do with me what you wish” without some clarification of expectations. It just would not work. There are many degrees of control in which to give. To say that I would be totally fine with giving them all up at once would be ridiculous and I think would lead to failure. For example when teaching a child to swim, do you just pick the child up and throw them in the deep end and say OK swim?” No, you get them acquainted with the water, and slowly  help them to want to go deeper and deeper.  That is what Mistress is doing right now. She is helping me slowly go deeper and deeper into submission.

In my next post, I will talk about some of the struggles I have in my journey toward TPE.

I’m Baaack

I have had several people ask me about my blog. I have not posted anything in awhile because to be quite frank, I have nto felt like it. There has not been anything in my SL worthy of writing about and I got tired of staring at my blog unchanged for such a long time that I decided to take it down. Well, I am back and I will hopefully be updating it more frequently now.

What is new? I guess a lot is new since I wrote last but at the same time nothing is new. I am still on my path to submission. I say “on my path” because as much as I would like to say I am totally submitted to my Mistress, I know it is not completely true. I struggle with obedience still which is why I was surprised when Mistress told me about a month ago that she always thought of me as her slave. To me slaves are the ultimate submissive. Their whole life (or SL) revolves around pleasing their Mistress. I have failed to do that on many occassions and have paid the price. Yet, deep down I have always desired to please Mistress above all else. I am just not very good at it.

I guess the focus of the posts on this blog from this point forward will be centered around my journey toward Total Power Exchange (TPE).  If you follow this blog you will read about my triumphs and my failures (hopefully more triumphs) toward becoming the type of slave that please her Mistress in everything she thinks, says and does.  I intend to write more on the topic of TPE in my next post if Mistress allows me.

 To all those who have asked me about my blog, thank you for keeping up with my blog and encouraging me to keep adding to it. I really do appreciate your interest. See you in world!

There is a season for everything….

This post is for all my friends. I doubt that I can find the appropriate words to describe how I feel or to explain why I have chosen the steps I have taken and will continue to take to move forward with my SL.

First of all I have trimmed my friends list down to only those I know care about me. If you are no longer on my friends list I hope you do not take it personally. For my own sanity I have decided to choose my friends more judiciously. I am not seeking to hurt anyone and I truly hope those I have removed will understand.

Next, I have asked Mistress to take control of my online time especially my evenings. If you see me on less, you will know why.

Finally, if you know me well you know I am going through a difficult time. While I appreciate your compassion i really do not want to talk about certain things yet. I can’t just get over it so don’t expect me to. You want me to be happy again well guess what so do I! Please be patient. Time heals all wounds! If I feel like talking I will. Please consider the fact that I am basically beginning again to discover sl and to figure out who Rayn is. I have been a certain person or part of someone else or a group of people for so long. It is time for me to be just me.